How to be a community hero
Is crime really as cool as it is on television? We have all seen movies like “Ocean’s 11,” “The Italian Job” and “Ernest Robs a Bank.” They make the flouting of our country’s laws look like a fun game. Who hasn’t imagined themselves doing complex acrobatics to navigate a laser security system of the Louvre to steal a diamond the size of a basketball? I know I do every time I hear one of those door dingers that play a sound when you walk through them so the kids have something fun to play with while their moms are at the checkout counter. And we have all broken a few laws, I imagine. Just little things like parking in a red zone, running a red light late at night or a little racketeering. But does that make us as cool as the criminals we see in the cinema?
I have been doing a little research and studies have shown that criminals are cool. They are so cool, in fact, that they are often rounded up and locked in a huge building together to separate them from the rest of us squares. Maybe you need a little more proof. If you are an Oregon Ducks fan then you may have heard about some recent off-field activities of some of the team’s starting players. I am a huge Ducks fan, so when I heard the news that their star quarter-back had decided to put his career in football aside for one cool count of robbery, I was thrilled. What better way to throw your collegiate football hobby away then by joining the elite group of people we have given the term of endearment “criminal” to. I was worried that they were going to have a good team of experienced athletes this year, but at least they are consistent. It is good to see that athletes that we look up to and admire are setting such a great example for today’s youth.
Not just athletes have hopped onto the Cool Train to Cool Town by breaking the law. Some of our country’s politicians have chosen to hop aboard by breaking the very laws they fight to uphold. I think they are double agents, recruited by the guys in striped jumpsuits to go behind enemy lines and keep the boring old law abiding citizens out of their business. The real shame is that they get caught. When you think of America, who do you think of? Richard Nixon of course! His slogan was, “I am not a crook,” but what he really meant was, “I really am a crook; I just don’t want anyone to know because I like the White House kitchen staff’s cooking.” He couldn’t have that as his slogan because it was too big for a button.
Do you still need more proof? Let’s go to local criminal masterminds. Two weekends ago, a couple of gentlemen tried to rob The Narrows Tavern out in Glide. They ran in brandishing shotguns and demanding the money. The tavern patrons wouldn’t have any of this and they stood up to them and told them to beat it. Don’t they understand that those guys earned that money by going out and getting masks, loading their trusty shotguns and barging in and demanding it? They probably should have realized that most Glide residents aren’t afraid of a little buckshot, having experienced it first hand, but still, we can’t condemn them for one little mistake. They may be doing 5-10 in the Big House, but I hope it comforts them to know that they will also being doing 5-10 on my list of heroes (right below the Joker, but right above Lex Luthor).
I guess the point I am trying to stress is that crime really does pay. Sure you have to do a little time, but it is time spent bonding with like-minded individuals, people who really get you. And while you are in there spending time with your comrades, your only real job is choosing which gang to join. If I ever am lucky enough to join this elite group, I think I will join the Sharks. I have the walking and snapping down; they just have to teach me to dance and knife fight at the same time.
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