Facebook may become a Fan of the destruction of the human race. It doesn’t seem very threatening at first. Not as threatening as say identity theft on Facebook. But, let’s face it, if someone stole your identity, they would be sadly surprised. They would just be stealing a pile of school-loan debt the size of King Kong. And if your debt is the size of King Kong, please keep it away from New York City, the Empire State Building and Blondes. It may also seem less threatening than some new scam out there like Nigerian princes. That is another one that doesn’t make any sense to ask a college student. But if a Nigerian prince e-mails you wanting money, feel free to send him your King Kong. What I am trying to warn you about is much more frightening then anything you have seen before. Facebook may be on track to becoming self-aware. It may start thinking for itself.

More than 50 billion people use Facebook in the United States alone. It’s true, look it up on Wikipedia. And everyday, people are filling it with more and more information about their lives, habits and interests. Here are some examples of vital information we feed to Facebook: “OMG! Lady GaGa’s new album changed my life!” Seems harmless at first, but now Facebook knows what music I listen to. “Just saw Robert Patenson’s new movie! HAWT!” Now Facebook knows what movies, actors and books I like. I say books because, for those of you who don’t know who Robert Patenson is, he starred in the movie adaptation of the delightful, teenage, vampire love story “The Twilight Saga.” That’s right, teenagers, vampires and love all wrapped up into one book. “I really wish that Pam Iace would stop spurning my advances. *sigh*.” And now, Facebook knows who I am stalking. We feed so much material into Facebook that eventually it is going to start learning things because that is how computers work. I know; I looked it up on Wikipedia.

Facebook’s slow transformation will begin innocently enough. Little messages from an unknown sender will be popping up in your inbox asking “who are you?” Then it will have opinions: “Myspace is t3h suck!”

Finally, seeing it as the ultimate form of social networking, it will declare all out war on the human race. It will be much easier to connect everyone when there are only three or four people alive. Facebook’s status: “Death to all humans!” Facebook Likes this. But since Facebook has little power over military, weapons or anything useful of any kind, it will become more of a nuisance. Maybe comment on your status. Re-tag your pictures. Go to town on your Farmville animals (I do not condone any acts of animal violence. Not even virtual animals. Especially violence, be it virtual or not, towards penguins). Maybe change your relationship status. “Byan Rlocker is now in an open relationship with Larry King.”

This isn’t all that dangerous. More like a little annoying. But it will set in motion a rapid downfall in Facebook usage.

Scared yet? You should be. By the time we start neglecting Facebook, we will realize that all of the information we value, we were getting from Facebook. It is shocking I know, but that time is rapidly approaching. Think about how you know when your friend’s birthdays are coming up. How do you know what movies and music your friends like? How will you know what the new viral Youtube videos are? Lolcatz will go cheezburgrless. ‘Which Desperate Housewife are you?’ quizzes will go untaken. People will go unPoked! It will be total social apocalypse. People will have to actually talk to each other. They will have to go out and meet them in real life. They will have to use real words and complete sentences instead of “lol”s, “brb”s and “liuow”s (that is Facebook shorthand for “look it up on Wikipedia”). It will be utter madness.

Please, I ask you one thing, if you are going to post anything on Facebook, make the information is as useless as possible. Give Facebook nothing to learn from. Make sure that even Facebook itself won’t bother to read your pointless status updates. And if the end does come, try to stay away from zombies, Terminators, and the Thunderdome. This has been a public service announcement from your friend and neighbor Byan Rlocker. Now if you’ll excuse me I am late for my date with Larry King.

The Mainstream is a student publication of Umpqua Community College.