Say goodbye to the old Olympics

I don’t know about you, but I used to love watching the Olympics when I was a youngster. However, I haven’t been as excited for the last few installments of the world’s finest athletes competing for medals, and I think I know why. Since the Olympics have only been around since, say, 776 B.C. (along with the universe) maybe the games need some super-sizing.

There just hasn’t been anything new. The figure skaters still do the same spins. The skiers still do the same flying-down-a-snowy-hill-at-ridiculous-speeds thing. The curlers still sweep the same ice, and I still don’t know why.

Some people say that all these amazing acts of athleticism should be entertainment enough, but my generation grew up watching Tony Hawk skate the loop-de-loop and copying those crazy guys who quintuple back-flip their bikes. We crave more recklessness from our athletes. We’re de-sensitized to Olympic dare-devilism. So, I have a few suggestions.

Let’s start with Speed Skating. They shoot around that ice so fast that a cheetah would have trouble keeping up with them. Speaking of cheetahs, what about a speed skater vs cheetah match? Cheetahs being from Africa might have trouble running on the ice, so it could be fair. Perhaps we could attach a rocket or two to the skaters. Not only would that make the sport faster, but fans would also get fire and a chance for the type of explosion you normally only get out of NASCAR. Maybe we could even add in a few hockey sticks (it is Canada). Or, better yet, maybe we could tie the skaters to the cheetahs and watch them zoom around the ice. Or even better yet, maybe we could put the skates on the cheetahs and the people could just ride them. It doesn’t get much better than vicious predators wielding hockey sticks with razors attached to their paws while skating.

Next is the sport of skiing. Not much has changed in skiing since cavemen strapped dinosaur bones to their feet and slid down hills. Well, I guess there were a few climate changes and the general dinosaurness of the earth. The good think about skiing is the variety the sport brings – cross country, downhill, moguls, even ski jumping. Skiing is already pretty crazy with the massive amount of height and distance those maniacs get, but it could be better. Imagine if they had hang gliders. They could go for miles. And again, a simple application of rockets would really revolutionize the sport. Unfortunately, adding cheetahs would be hard. Cheetahs do not fly well.

Cross country skiing is pretty boring; even the caveman skiers thought so (I know, I saw it on a Geico youtube video). Perhaps the cross country skiers could go out and look for the hang-glider ski jumpers.

And then there is the figure skating. Not since the ancient Egyptian sport of pickle tossing has anything boring been called a sport. I have nothing against figure skaters; I could never do what they do. But getting dressed up in a onesy and doing those tricks accompanied by classical music is just silly. It’s like taking monster trucks and painting them pink and flowery and having them crush cars with Mozart playing over the load speakers (actually, I’d watch that). I’d love to watch someone skating around the ice doing a routine to T-Pain. Or, they could give out some kind of extra endurance medal for someone skating around the ice to Lynyrd Skynyrd’s  “Freebird.”

Finally, there is hockey. Really, nothing is wrong with hockey because it is already as intense as it can get. So, maybe they should lighten it up a bit (that would take getting rid of the Canadians which might be a bit tricky).

Maybe you enjoy the Olympics just the way they are. They really are a spectacle to behold. But, I think if the ancient Greeks who invented the competition could see the games now they would be both amazed and discouraged. Other than trying to figure out the tricky virtual player on top of virtual player replays (and the fact that the earth really is round), the modern Olympians wear a lot more clothing.

The Mainstream is a student publication of Umpqua Community College.