American’s are healthy and fine, so leave us alone!
Your healthy eating habits may be putting lovable cereal mascots out of business

America has always been unfairly labeled as the fattest country, which isn’t true at all. I took a survey of two random average Americans (my brother and I), and the survey showed that 0 out of 2 Americans are overweight.

This proves that we, as Americans, are fit as fiddles. However, for some reason, we feel the need to go through a never ending craze of health foods, exercise and Dr. Phil endorsed diet plans. I don’t even think he’s a real MD.

The most disturbing fact about all this is that we Americans have been putting our lovable breakfast cereal mascots out of business. I took a statement from Sonny the Cuckoo Bird, the face of the Cocoa Puffs franchise. His sole income is royalties from his image being used on the Cocoa Puffs box. With the recent decline of cereal sales, he has been looking for other work.

“Nobody is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs anymore. They are just cuckoo. But with my addiction problems, it is hard for me to get another job. I can’t afford rehab either. The American health craze is keeping this chocolatey monkey on my back,” Sonny explains.

I did some research, and it turns out that Sonny is not alone. Cap’n Crunch has also been scouring the job scene looking for new work. Thanks to some unwise investing, the Cap’n filed for bankruptcy almost a year ago. He tried Captaining again but quit soon thereafter when he realized he has no idea how to run a real ship. There are rumors that he is moonlighting at a McDonalds somewhere in Thailand, but I have no proof of that.

The Trix rabbit has been having it rough, too. The constant denial of his chance to eat Trix cereal by hordes of horrible children has mentally scarred him. He had been keeping his cool with therapy and medication but has been unable to afford them in this financial slump. He tried eating Kix instead of Trix, but the silly rabbit failed to realize that Kix, also, are for kids. This may have been the straw that broke the camel’s [rabbit’s] back. The poor rodent hasn’t been seen for 3 months. Not to worry though. The FBI has their top agent on the case (although some doubt Agent Fud’s wabbit hunting abilities).

Even Count Chocula isn’t immune to financial troubles. He recently tried to get into the film business by auditioning for the part of Edward Cullen in the movie Twilight, but they said he was “too vampire” for the part. I found him waiting tables at a nearby Denny’s. “When did sugary bits of cardboard not come with a balanced breakfast,” the Count asked me.

Another cereal mascot having it rough is Lucky the Leprechaun. Instead of investing his considerable wealth, he horded it all in a giant cauldron which has gone missing. He also tried acting and was moderately successful with his Leprechaun horror movies. But, the success went to his head. Combine that with a history of alcoholism in his family, and you get him pointing a banana at the back of a homeless person’s head and reciting the prayer from Boondock Saints.

The Lucky Charms cereal even took a hit when investigators discovered that the ingredients in the little marshmallows are sugar and chalk.

The point here is that none of these things need to happen. We as college students need to be doing our part in consuming as much unhealthy food as possible. I don’t know about you, but breakfast cereal makes up about 75 percent of my diet. The other 25 percent is pizza. Health food is not only harmful to your taste buds, it also hurts the careers of the cartoony sugar peddlers we all know and love.

The Mainstream is a student publication of Umpqua Community College.