Surviving Halloween

With Halloween just around the corner, I thought I should give you some survival advice. I have studied countless movies about the spooky horribleness that comes with the holiday. If they had had my advice, I would like to think they would have fared better.

First off, when choosing a permanent residence, try to avoid Indian burial grounds, haunted mansions, abandoned churches, etc. There is a reason that the giant New England mansion is so cheap, and it has nothing to do with the economy. Also, if the previous owner takes the money and then slowly starts laughing and disappearing into thin air, you might want to reconsider your latest real estate investment.

Another situation you could find yourself in is the “road-tripping through the Midwest with a bunch of your teenage friends” scenario. You need to make sure that you know exactly where you are going and how to get there. Stopping for directions in a small town where the entire population works at the same gas station but moonlights as mass murdering psychopaths is a bad decision. On that note, you might want to also have some extra gas with you just in case. Even if you won’t need it for the car, it could be nice to use as a weapon.

Never go into the dark. If you see someone disappear into the darkness, you can start writing their obituary. Use words like “brave” and “courageous”, even though you will want to use words like “foolish” or “big dummy”. If you absolutely HAVE to go in the dark, make sure you take a reliable flashlight and maybe some extra batteries if you have them. If you take a fiery torch or a flashlight that looks like it was made before they invented the light bulb, it is going to go out and you will be alone in the dark with whatever dwells there.

If you have failed to heed any of these warnings, chances are you have some terrible beasty or deranged killer after you. If you are anything like the people in the movies, your first instinct will be to systematically separate yourselves from the others in your group so whatever is chasing you can violently murder you at their leisure. You want to try to resist that. If you are a particularly brave individual, you may want to take the only flashlight in the group and go off by yourself to get help. You might say, “I’ll be right back,” but I can guarantee that if you say that, the next time your friends see you will be as they tearfully remember your bravery at your closed casket funeral.

I hope this advice helps you as you go out to enjoy the excitement of this frightening holiday. Have a safe and happy Halloween. 

The Mainstream is a student publication of Umpqua Community College.