Sex, romance as experienced by aromantics, asexuals: Two students tell-all

Queerness exists in all things: it specters every spectrum. As an umbrella term and historical slur now largely reclaimed by its community, âqueerâ is and can be used to refer to people who fall under the LGBTQIA+ acronym in a short and summative way.
Kat Grammon, a queer theater major on the aromantic and asexual spectrum, describes their life-before-labels as being filled with dread, apprehension and confusion as to who they really were.
âDo you want the overly-defined or simply-defined answer?â Grammon says. âIâm nonbinary and use they/them pronouns; I present myself as cupiosexual, though up until a year ago did so as demisexual; and Iâm demiromantic.â
What does it mean to be aro-ace?
Aromanticness, asexuality and all other ends of the aro-ace spectrum (âasexualâ can be shortened to âaceâ) exist as inner queerings of sexuality. âUnlike celibacy, which is a choice, asexuality is a sexual orientation. Asexual people have the same emotional needs as everybody else and are just as capable of forming intimate relationships.â

Robin Bruns / The Mainstream
Beyond this, identities like âgraysexualâ (someone who experiences a varying level of sexual attraction) and their accompanying microlabels (like Grammonâs âcupiosexualâ) define those who consider their sexuality falling somewhere on a spectrum between asexuality and allosexuality â the latter term describing the ânormâ of experiencing sexual attraction.
âI donât think labels are a necessary thing, but I enjoy them. I choose to use my labels; Iâd still have these feelings regardless,â Grammon says.
The âa-haâ moment
A common thread sewn throughout the queer experience is the immense relief produced when one finally realizes the reason for their feelings of otherness. âFiguring out who I was â I was happy. I had answers,â Grammon says.
âI always knew something was different. For me, sex was just something I never thought I wanted to do,â Grammon says.

Photo provided by Helix Syn
Helix Syn, (it/its), lead organizer for the Umpqua Valley Rainbow Collective and former UCC student, shares a similar coming-of-age coming-out story. âI did have crushes growing up, but they were always emotional. When I heard the term âdemisexualâ for the first time, everything clicked for me,â Syn says.
Demisexuality requires a person to develop some kind of intimate bond â emotional, platonic or other â before they can experience sexual attraction toward another. âI definitely felt different in terms of not understanding how you could know if youâd smash someone just by how they looked,â Syn says.
How gender often interacts with sexuality
Both Syn and Grammon are transgender and speak of their gender revelations as bridges to their sexual and/or romantic ones. âI discovered I was demi in my senior year of high school, around the same time I knew I wasnât cis,â Syn says.
âWhen researching gender online, I fell down this rabbit hole into sexuality. I found âcupiosexualâ and thought, âWow â thatâs on-the-nose me. Thatâs a thing!ââ Grammon says. Cupiosexuality is akin to demisexuality in that it generally relates to intimate bonds, however: cupios often lack the ability to âdevelopâ sexual attraction at all.
Sex-repulsed, sex-favorable
Many cupiosexual people consider themselves to be on a spectrum of âsex-repulsion,â as Grammon does. Despite this, a cupiosexual person may still desire/participate in sex or sexual relationships in the right situation, like wanting to bond with a partner who experiences sexual attraction.
Syn, on the other hand, talks about a different relationship to sex due to its dissociative identity disorder. It has âmultiple alters, or brain roommates, that are asexual or aromantic.â One of Synâs alters is Teddy â one of Synâs hosts, or âmainâ alters â who is sex-favorable despite lacking sexual attraction.
Sex-favorability is a willingness to participate in sex; sex-repulsion, also called sex-aversion, is its opposite. âIâve realized now I, Teddy, donât really experience sexual attraction much at all. But I love sex. I love how it feels; Iâm attracted to the sensation, fun and dynamic â not the person,â Syn says.
Find support, community in the valley
Sexuality is complicated. Local organizations like the Umpqua Valley Rainbow Collective have youth and adult groups which meet weekly, offering a space for queer folks to share their experiences, strife and everyday life.
They also frequently host events, training and other queer-oriented occasions â like the upcoming 2023 Pride parade and festival, set to happen next June and July, respectively. All people open to love and learning are welcome to be a part of the Community.
Additionally, many resources exist online for those looking to learn more, like the Aces & Aros website which âacts as a hub for the ace and aro community.âOn campus, students seeking help, information or comfort may speak to faculty like wellness counselor Hanna Culbertson or CARE Advocate Erin Ritchie.

Contact me at:
UCCMainstream@yahoo.com
For more articles by Robin Bruns, please click here.